June 7, 2013

To my future child:

I thought for the past couple of weeks that you were on the way to join our family.  I was wrong.  I know that it will happen, and when the day comes we will celebrate and be grateful for you.  I need to remember that while I want everything to come now, our lives are not on our time, but on God’s time.

I don't know what God’s time is, or why he isn't blessing us yet, but I do know that when I start to ask why, the answers always become clear.  We tried for a year a few years ago, and because my prayers were not answered I was able to go back to school to get my Masters.  I believe that if I were to have you, I would not be in school right now.  By God allowing me to be in school will provide opportunities to you that you might not have otherwise. 

The pastor who married us told me that we would know when we were ready for kids when the circle of love that we felt for each other was so full that we knew we needed to add on.  I’m grateful for the time that I have gotten with your daddy.  We have a relationship based on a friendship, we share lots of laughs, we are more in love today than we were when we got married.  I can not imagine myself without his silliness in my life.  The example of our marriage will be teach you what love is, and either teach you how to treat your future wife or how you expect your husband to treat you.

God’s timing has also allowed me to work on myself.  If I was blessed by you a few years ago, I probably wouldn't have been the same type of mother that you would get now.  I lived my life in fear, always questioning the what ifs.  I was haunted by events and people from my past.  For the last year I have grew as a person and I’m starting to be proud of who I am.  I hope you close to me, and we share a special relationship that I was never able to have with my mom.

I love you already,

Your momma